Keep Me Safe Inside

Sometimes I wish I could erase my memories. I remember where I was exactly one year ago tonight. I was safe, I was loved.

Now...all I can think of is where I am now and how you're not here with me. Where you should be...where you're supposed to be.

So vivdly I can see your smile and your laugh haunts me.

So vivdly I can see what you're doing, right this very moment. And I cant stand it. It feels as if my heart just may stop when these images fill my head. I can't stop them, they just force themselves in.

"A year ago, I would've never pictured my life the way it is now." & your response was, "nope! Not in a million years." I know where you were a year ago and when I read that...I know its not for me. It breaks me just a little bit more. Do you even think of me any more? What we shared? Does it haunt you the way it does me?

I had this wild, unrealistic thought today but it filled me with such hope that I don't know if I can let go of it. It was several years in the future, youd come to me. When I told you what was still in my heart, you asked, "after all this time?" & I replied "always." It brought a smile to my face. The first one in days.

Im terrified. I'm terrified that I'll spend my life alone. I'm terrified that you're it for me.

Please don't forsake me. Please don't give up on me.

"Keep me safe inside, your arms like towers, tower over me."

And These Memories, They Haunt Me

As I lay here staring at my ceiling try to fall asleep, my mind is swimming. So many new ventures headed my way and while I'm excited, its my memories that are keeping me awake.

The first time you looked at me, like I was the only one you could see.

The first time you kissed me, like your soul had a secret just for me.

The first time you told me you loved me, like you'd know for a thousand years before that you always had.

Its these things I think about and reach for you with a soft smile. When my hand finds the cold, empty space beside me, I'm instantly reminded that you're no longer mine.

And then my heart breaks all over again. All the pieces I've glued back together during the day to make the pain bearable, fall apart all over again.

For My Beloved

I hope this finds you when you have a moment alone, a moment that you can give me that will be just mine. I wish I knew well enough to leave you alone because I know right now as you read this you're happy, but I can't. Your last text to me, "we need to talk..." Looms over my head because I know what it means. I've known for three weeks what was happening, and I've known that for all my effort there was nothing I could do to stop it. I had hoped that my love...our love would be strong enough. And maybe it is, maybe its too strong. Maybe a part of you is afraid to be in love with me again so its easier to not be, easier to protect your heart. A heart that I am reluctant to let go of. 

I fear that I am becoming her. That I'm holding on so tightly to what you want me to let go of. That my desperate attempts to even hear just a small, kind word of encouragement are not what you want. I fear that when you see my name on your phone alert that instead of smiling as you once did, you groan in distain and just wish to be left alone. 

I know there is a choice to be made and I know that you're reluctant to make it because you hate to see someone hurt. I fear you might have already made this choice. I fear that I'm standing at the same prespise I was almost a year ago; back down and show you that my love for you is so great that I will gladly hurt if it means you are happy, or stand my ground and show you that I am not going anywhere, that our love is too great to be ignored. I don't know what to do, I don't know what is expected of me. You told me once before that you didn't want me to fight for you but deep down you wanted to see me stand up for us. I made the choice to back down and I have regretted every moment of it.

6 months ago we both confessed that we couldn't bare the thought of losing the other in any capacity. That not being friends was too hard and we faced the challenge every day to not reach out to the other. So you must know how difficult it is for me to so desperately want to hear your voice but know that I can't. I want to tell you how hard today has been for me, to tell you how the thought of loosing you for a second time is unbearable, and how all my mistakes have caught up to me. I want to tell you that all you have to do is ask. Ask me to come home, ask me to give you my everything. Ask me and I would gladly do it. I would leave everything behind, all of it. I want to tell you how I fear becoming the friend to you that has fleeting conversations with you when you're a work because you're not allowed to have them any other time. I fear the day will come that you are asked to cut me from your life completely and I fear that you will. I am not strong enough to face that day should it come

I know I don't have the right too ask anything of you, because you've given me so much in the past that I selfishly took from you without giving anything in return. You gave me love that I didn't understand, a love so great that I didnt know how to let it fill me up. I didn't know how to let it be enough to sustain me and get me through my hard times because no one has ever given me a love like that. Now that my own heart sits on the verge of breaking, it is I who am filled with such a love for you that I don't know how to swallow it, to bury it so that you may be happy without me.  It is filled with such a love for you that the miles between us feel like nothing. It would be selfish of me to ask you to give up your happiness simply so that I may be happy again. 

It was you who once said to me, "I made you fall in love with me once, I'll do it again." It was you who told me, "you are the best thing to ever happen to me." Now it is I who stand here telling you that you loved me once, you will again. I who stand here telling you that you are all the best parts of me. I, who stand here asking you to give me just one more chance. I'm not asking for you to make a choice and be with me, no. I'm asking that before you give in to the choice you are thinking of making, that you allow me one more weekend. One more opportunity to show you that our love can be better than it was, stronger than it was. One more weekend to show you that my words have meaning and that I truly mean them. Just three days, to show you all the love that I was too afraid to show you before. A love so great that it terrified me to think that I could so completely love someone as I love you. One weekend to selfishly steal you away and have to myself. If then you still wish to be with her as you do now, then I will at least know that I gave you the best parts of me. I can then let go knowing that I was given a fair opportunity and I am simply meant to be a friend for you in your times of need.

I can only hope that when you read this, you hear the love in my words because right now, my words are all I have to offer. I hope that you know you are all I think of. I hope that as you read this it stirs something in you, awakens something in you that is too strong to ignore. I can only hope that my persistence is seen not as nagging or pushiness but as my way of fighting for what I know I have loved for a thousand years before and will love for a thousand more. I've never been asked to fight for something, I've never had anything worth fighting for. Until you. 

Itunes Shuffle - Part 1

Back in the day, when Myspace was "the it thing", and before Facebook...There used to be these really random things that would go around.  It would ask you to put your Itunes on shuffle then put the title of the song as the answer to a question.

I'm not sure why I loved these so much, maybe its my love of music.  None the less every few years I'll do a new one!  I have two today that I want to do, one of which is REALLY long but I thought, hell my Itunes is big enough!

1. Put your iTunes, windows media player, etc., on shuffle.

2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.

3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.

4. I'd love for everyone to do this and leave it in my comments! 

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY' YOU SAY?

"I Get Off" Halestorm  (Oh goodness. How perfect!)

2. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?

"Backseat" Newboyz 

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?

"We Are Broken" Paramore (Which....if you want to get all deep and thoughtful, this is pretty fitting given my current...situation.)

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?

"Already Home" Ha-Ash (To be honest...I'm not even sure how this song got in my Itunes)

5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFES PURPOSE?

"Hallelujah" Paramore (The opening line is "Somehow everything is going to fall right into place." Which is pretty much how I live my life. 

6. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?

"Better in Time" Boyce Avenue 

7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?

"This I swear" Nick Lachey 

8. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?

"Take Over the Breaks Over" Fall Out Boy

9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN?

"Take Your Time" Lydia (If you haven't heard of this band, check them out! I saw them for the first time opening for Anberlin and ugh. So good!) 

10. WHAT IS 2 + 2?

"Ready" Fabulous (Um...okay?)

11. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?

"Outrageous" Brittany Spears 

12. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW-UP?

"Check It Out" Will.I.Am ft Nicki Manja (The opening verse is so fitting for me though!  "Step up in the party like my name was that bitch, all these haters mad because I'm so established.")

13. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?

"Need You Know" Boyce Avenue (God Do I ever!)

14. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?

"He said, She said" Ashley Tisdale

15. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?

"Between The Raindrops" Lifehouse (Close but I'll actually be dancing to a "A Thousand Years" by The Piano Guys)

16. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?

"The Carpel Tunnel of Love" Fall Out Boy (oddly enough...I'm okay with this)

17. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?

"If This Isn't Love" Jennifer Hudson

18. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?

"Hero/Heroine" Boys Like Girls 

19. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?

"I Still..." Backstreet Boys (Fuuuck this is so on point right now.)

20. WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?

"Do Somethin" Brittany Spears 

21. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?

"We Can't Stop"  Neon Hitch Cover 

22. WHAT WILL YOUR CHILD'S FIRST WORD(S) BE?

"Misery Business" Paramore 

23. WHAT DO YOU SAY WHEN YOU LOOK IN THE MIRROR?

"Break My Fall" Breaking Benjamin

24. WHAT DID YOU SAY IN YOUR SLEEP LAST NIGHT?

"Skin" Rhianna

25. WHAT WILL YOU PUBLISH THIS NOTE?

"SMS/Bangerz" Miley Cyrus



Review: Etsy Shopping Part 1

I have been looking at the website Etsy.com for a long time but never ordered anything.  Mainly because I always thought when a price was reasonable the shipping would be way too much, or the price of the product would be too much but the shipping really low.  I am happy to say I have finally ordered some things from Etsy! Today I wanted to do a review for the first shop I ordered from, I'm still waiting for my second order to arrive.

Normally I order my cases from Amazon because lets face it, you can get a decent case for super cheap.  Now...these cases don't always hold up for very long and its difficult to know where your product is coming from.  On Etsy it is possible to add a filter so that you view product only in your area, for me its "United States".  This insures that you will pay pretty low shipping costs and have faster delivery times.

Izercase - (If you click on "Izercase" it will take you to the shop!!) This shop is fantastic!  It ships out of California so there is no waiting 30+ days to get what you ordered to arrive from Chine.  While I feel like the selection is kind of limited in the sense that they have a lot of cases, with the same basic design just in different colors,  they do accept requests for custom case designs.  While the price is a smidge more than I would normally pay (I'm cheap ha!) I feel comfortable in paying the $14.99 ($16.99 for a custom case) with free shipping and will gladly do so again!

This is the case I ordered! Ignore my nails, I'm in desperate need of a manicure!  The back where the design is printed is hard, and the white edges are of a stiff rubber material. One of the things I love MOST about this case, is that it doesn't just clip on the back.  The phone actually slips into the case and the sides come up around the edges, protect the sides of the phone as well.

Here is what the case looks like from the front, and I tried to get a picture of what the lip looks like on it.  All the cut outs are perfect too!  I was a little concerned about the cut out for the bottom because the S5 has the little door for the charging port, but it isn't blocked at all.  The only thing I don't like is that there aren't cut outs on the side for the buttons (volume, lock screen).  This sometimes makes it hard to get a screen shot, but in the grand scheme of things...if that's the only thing I don't like about it...is taking a screen shot THAT important? 

I also want to touch on the stores level of customer service! Amazing!  It took me about a week from order to arrival to get my case, sadly the first one I received was the wrong case.  It was the right print but the first one they sent me didn't say "Hakuna Matata" on it.  Within 24 hours of notifying them of what had happened, they responded and shipped the correct one too me.  I'm also going to assume (I say assume because it isn't confirmed) that they used some kind of expedited shipping because I received my replacement within 2-3 days!!  They also told me I could keep the one they original sent me in error as part of the compensation for my inconvenience.  

I will be ordering ALL my cases from this company! It is so difficult for me to find cases because I'm so picky, so knowing that I can submit requests for custom cases?  Its an amazing thing and I can't wait for my next one! Click Here  to visit the shop!!