For My Beloved

I hope this finds you when you have a moment alone, a moment that you can give me that will be just mine. I wish I knew well enough to leave you alone because I know right now as you read this you're happy, but I can't. Your last text to me, "we need to talk..." Looms over my head because I know what it means. I've known for three weeks what was happening, and I've known that for all my effort there was nothing I could do to stop it. I had hoped that my love...our love would be strong enough. And maybe it is, maybe its too strong. Maybe a part of you is afraid to be in love with me again so its easier to not be, easier to protect your heart. A heart that I am reluctant to let go of. 

I fear that I am becoming her. That I'm holding on so tightly to what you want me to let go of. That my desperate attempts to even hear just a small, kind word of encouragement are not what you want. I fear that when you see my name on your phone alert that instead of smiling as you once did, you groan in distain and just wish to be left alone. 

I know there is a choice to be made and I know that you're reluctant to make it because you hate to see someone hurt. I fear you might have already made this choice. I fear that I'm standing at the same prespise I was almost a year ago; back down and show you that my love for you is so great that I will gladly hurt if it means you are happy, or stand my ground and show you that I am not going anywhere, that our love is too great to be ignored. I don't know what to do, I don't know what is expected of me. You told me once before that you didn't want me to fight for you but deep down you wanted to see me stand up for us. I made the choice to back down and I have regretted every moment of it.

6 months ago we both confessed that we couldn't bare the thought of losing the other in any capacity. That not being friends was too hard and we faced the challenge every day to not reach out to the other. So you must know how difficult it is for me to so desperately want to hear your voice but know that I can't. I want to tell you how hard today has been for me, to tell you how the thought of loosing you for a second time is unbearable, and how all my mistakes have caught up to me. I want to tell you that all you have to do is ask. Ask me to come home, ask me to give you my everything. Ask me and I would gladly do it. I would leave everything behind, all of it. I want to tell you how I fear becoming the friend to you that has fleeting conversations with you when you're a work because you're not allowed to have them any other time. I fear the day will come that you are asked to cut me from your life completely and I fear that you will. I am not strong enough to face that day should it come

I know I don't have the right too ask anything of you, because you've given me so much in the past that I selfishly took from you without giving anything in return. You gave me love that I didn't understand, a love so great that I didnt know how to let it fill me up. I didn't know how to let it be enough to sustain me and get me through my hard times because no one has ever given me a love like that. Now that my own heart sits on the verge of breaking, it is I who am filled with such a love for you that I don't know how to swallow it, to bury it so that you may be happy without me.  It is filled with such a love for you that the miles between us feel like nothing. It would be selfish of me to ask you to give up your happiness simply so that I may be happy again. 

It was you who once said to me, "I made you fall in love with me once, I'll do it again." It was you who told me, "you are the best thing to ever happen to me." Now it is I who stand here telling you that you loved me once, you will again. I who stand here telling you that you are all the best parts of me. I, who stand here asking you to give me just one more chance. I'm not asking for you to make a choice and be with me, no. I'm asking that before you give in to the choice you are thinking of making, that you allow me one more weekend. One more opportunity to show you that our love can be better than it was, stronger than it was. One more weekend to show you that my words have meaning and that I truly mean them. Just three days, to show you all the love that I was too afraid to show you before. A love so great that it terrified me to think that I could so completely love someone as I love you. One weekend to selfishly steal you away and have to myself. If then you still wish to be with her as you do now, then I will at least know that I gave you the best parts of me. I can then let go knowing that I was given a fair opportunity and I am simply meant to be a friend for you in your times of need.

I can only hope that when you read this, you hear the love in my words because right now, my words are all I have to offer. I hope that you know you are all I think of. I hope that as you read this it stirs something in you, awakens something in you that is too strong to ignore. I can only hope that my persistence is seen not as nagging or pushiness but as my way of fighting for what I know I have loved for a thousand years before and will love for a thousand more. I've never been asked to fight for something, I've never had anything worth fighting for. Until you.