There are no words

I don't know what this blog is supposed to be about. 

I just had some time to myself and decided to check in, read "Catching Fireflies" 

as I always do when I first log in.

My heart breaks.

Catching Fireflies belongs to my friend Christina.

Her son, Handsome, passed away just over a month ago.

I try not to be the person in her life that constantly pesters her with the normal

questions one would ask their friend in a time of such a great loss.

"How is everyone?" "How are you doing?" 

"How are you holding up?"

Mainly because I know I'm not the only one asking, I know that 

it isn't going to make her feel better, it isn't going to Handsome back,

and frankly I know she's probably lying.

Reading her blog confirmed that. 

I hate asking when I do but sometimes I feel like...

I care for her and its my responsibility to make sure she knows I'm here.

I know she knows but I never want her to think because I don't ask that I don't care.

I never want there to be a moment where I think to myself 

"I never checked on her."

I've tried to tell her that time will heal, that she should basically just move on.

Now I kick myself for it.

Time will heal but the pain will never fully be gone.  

Eventually her anxiety over Handsome's medicine will fade but no matter

how many times I tell her that she will never believer it.

I don't blame her.

She asks why her family?

My best answer...because God knew they could handle it.

God knew she was just the right person to take care of such a special angel.

God knew that Handsome would spark the most change in being with the Earle family.

She asks, "Why couldn't it be a family that doesn't take care of their children?"

You said it yourself, you did everything you could to save him, to give him the best 

life that he could have had.  You made sure he had the best 

care, the best medicine, asked questions, did research, and even

after he has been called home you still spread his story, and you

bring awareness to the illness.

If he had been with any other family, especially one of those families you speak of...

do you think he would have received the love and care he did with you?

I know it is no where near the same thing but...I can understand this.

I've been told that I'll never give birth.

That there is a 1% chance I will get pregnant.

Sometimes I'm okay but I'm 24 and there is nothing I want more than to feel

a small baby inside my belly.  I want to lay on that bed and hear my babies heart beat from inside me...and there is a 1% chance. 

I cling to that 1%.

I see woman in the stores with 4 kids and another on the way, 

I hate them. I tell them, in my head, that they are selfish.

I see the woman with the kids that need their nose whipped and a bath,

while the mother is dressed to the nines.

I hate them and scream at them in my head.

Nothing in this life is ever fair honey.

Nothing in this life is ever easy.

You will never be face with something more difficult then you are now. 

I know it is painful, I know there is nothing I can ever say

that will make this easy or better.

I will continue to ask you if you are okay at least once in a while (even if you lie).

I will continue to make sure you are surviving.

I will continue to stand behind you.