The Day You Slipped Away

I wrote this for my friend Christina (Catching Fireflies) when her son Nathan passed away last week:

"Strength does not come from physical capacity, it comes from indomitable will."

1:05 pm - Its my lunch break here at work, I've felt a little sick to my stomach all morning and its only now, as I write, that I even remember bringing food at all.  While I sit here staring at a blank screen for the second time in my life, the unthinkable is happening.  Services for Nathan have began and my over active imagination can paint a picture in my mind of what’s going on.  I block it out.  I've never been one to deal with too much excitement very well be it from immense joy or great sadness.  I think too much, always wanting to know "Why?"  Why do bad things happen to good people?  Why Nathan?  Why Christina and her family?  Christina has never intentionally done anything ugly towards anyone in her life, Why Christina?  Why her son?

To the Earle Family:

We may never be able to make sense of the great sadness we feel in saying good-bye to Nathan today but we can find some peace in knowing that we are not saying good bye to a little boy who has been lost or so greedily taken from us; instead we say "See you later!”  Nothing in this life is final, while there is some finality in knowing you will never be able to feel the weight of Nathan in your arms, you will see him again.  Today I celebrate your son’s life and remember the joy I felt in sharing with you his great triumphs over his illness.  Like in the video when he grasps a toy and shakes it with a smile on his face or in the moment when Christina said she saw his smile after months of being ill.  I celebrate the strength Nathan shared with all of us, over coming obstacles that surprised even the doctors.   I do not cry today because I selfishly wish that he could have had more time with us, I cry because I envy Nathan!  I envy his courage, I envy his strength, and I envy him for having moved on to a better place.  I know that these words seem so empty and hollow because it is so easy to feel the sorrow of the loss but it is true.  Gone are the days that he cries in frustration, gone are the days of hospitals, and gone are the days filled with medication.   We can never comprehend the struggle he felt every day, we are simply outsiders looking in.  However, find comfort in the unknown.  Take joy in knowing he walks among angels, he sits at the thrown of God, and he smiles down on you every day.   Do not hold yourself to any fault, it will not change anything and it will only eat you up.   While the pain of losing your son will never go away take comfort in knowing Nathan finished what he was put on this earth to do.  While he was so little and we are too blinded by our grief to see what it is Nathan was put on this earth for, one day when the sting doesn’t sting so bad we will be able to find reason.  Maybe his reason here was to teach all of us just how strong we are, maybe we just needed a reminder of how easy we really have it, how we need to appreciate every day we have, and to remind us to love one another.  Maybe Nathan was here to inspire all of us to change or put change into motion.  Maybe it was Nathan who touched me the other morning and asked me to reach out to Build A Bear about creating a special bear.

Nathan will always be yours; this changes nothing in the eyes of God.  You were chosen to be his family and to care for him.   However brief the time may have been, that time was meant for you.  You were entrusted by God to care for this important angel while he carried out his mission.

Thank you for sharing this time with not only myself, but also those around you.  Thank you for allowing us to be a part of his life, and thank you for allowing us to share his story with the world.